.

hi there, it's me again, Ignotum.

wow it's been a while, huh? I've got so many stories but.... mostly sucks.

how sucks could it be? yeah, well,

1. I'm broke up (finally) with my Ex. that boy who told me everything and forced me to tell everything to him.
2. I got close to a boy named A, but, he was an a$$hole. lmao
3. this one is pretty complicated, I got close to a guy named S. AAAND, I screwed his friendship with a guy named P....... just because, P kinda liked me but I didn't felt the same... P and S are BEST FRIEND, so... P told me the flaws that S had and somehow I got pissed and told it to S :( geez, I'm an a$$hole right?

So, I end up with S. He's cute actually. really cute.

his smile that makes my heart goes BOOM CLAP
*bgm: boom clap - Charli XCX*

his face when he ask me for a hug, and then hug me tightly and saying
"what if I miss you someday? all I want is a hug from you.. I don't want to get out of this town.. no, I don't want to get far away from you.." it was on the last night he's in S town, going to left S town in the next morning.
*bgm: Leaving On A Jetplane - Chantal Kreaviazuk*

hm. S is one of my seniors in college, he is working in B island, and it's so far far away from here. fyi. 

the way he covered me with jacket when I was (half) asleep.
the way he caressed my hair. I love that shit.
the way he pinched my cheek.
the way he bite my arm. lol
the way he said "I love you"
the way he took off my glasses and kissed my lips, and then smiled.
the way he gently kissed my forehead and hold my hand and the way he wiped my tears away when I was crying. 

He got my heart. and... it's a wow.

Since R left me, I'm never really loved someone..
and then, he came. With his smile and his hazel eyes. God, his eyes are like sunset, beautiful. His lips are poisonous. His hug is the safest place on the planet. His smile (again) is addicting.

Hey, S. I miss you right now. 

-

I will tell you about my story about my ex and I.

His name is R, when we first met, I'm kinda attracted to him but I felt like there's something about us, waiting to happen, and it was kinda weird. And he was always annoys me everyday. I buried my feelings over him and I was "nah, there will be nothing between us". I got close with one guy, and he got a gf.

and then, I didn't met him for the next 8 months, I was didn't care at all. All I knew is his gf was gone, leaving him.

On June 2014, I met him, again. I don't know, may be it sounds weird but, I was happy to met him again. and he was still the same. but he kinda showed that he cares about me. This guy is mysterious.

aaaaaaand, R got me. got my heart as well.

one day, he told me that he waited for me for the last 8 months. Waited for me. for 8 months.

"I've waited you this long, and finally got you. I feel so happy, I will never let you go, I love you so much" he also told me that his ex was just for made me jealous, and he thought it didn't work.
 I was touched, really. And he was my very first bf.

He was the most romantic person. and he was care, funny, and always made me happy.
also made me fall in love with him every single day.

but then, he was changed. idk why...
he became careless, less romantic, and moody.
and it was making me upset.
and my tears shed over a boy for the first time. and it was hurts a lot.

we were like roller coaster, one day we loved each other and tomorrow we yelled at each other. and it happened everyday. when we fought he always said "whatever" and I end up giving up to him.
It was always me who the first saying 'sorry' and it was always him who always said "whatever" in every fight. kinda pity. stupid me.
my friends told me that I should left him, but I wouldn't listen to them.
'they don't know the struggle.' that was I thought.


one day, we fought and the next day he was gone. I waited for him, sent him a lot of messages, called him but- his number was unavailable. I asked his friends but they refused to tell me, and... his friends didn't like me since the day me and R were together. (his friends are mostly girls)

I cried. I cried a lot since the day he was gone. wondered where he is, was he ok, etc.
I cried myself to sleep every night. my eyes got swollen. I kept thinking about him.
and I felt so alone..
he wasn't there when I needed him.

I decided to get over him. Although it wasn't easy to get over a one year relationship and a lot of memories we've been through.
I met a lot of people and got occupied.
I felt so free and happy.

then he came back. saying sorry and sorry.
I hated him.
I was sefish.
I said I need time to think.
and he said
"...let's get over this"
my heart got broken. again. after all this time I tried to reassemble it, and he just broke it into pieces. again.
I asked why.
he said
"there's no reason." coldly.
I got disappointed.
I left him.
we said goodbye.

oddly, he looked really sad..
and he gave me lyrics.

This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you

I see myself in the mirror and I ask myself
Will it really make you happy if I let you go?
I’ll throw myself away completely because you need quiet time to yourself
Did I say those things without even meaning it?
As I replay your face when you screamed go away
I’m tainting our memories that were beautiful
I haven’t imagined a life without you yet but please be happy
So that at least my lie can shine

I’m letting go of your tightly held hands
But my heart is still the same
But I’ll let you go

I’m letting go of your hands
But my heart is still the same
I think it’s best for you if I end it right here

This is a beautiful lie
My last lie
Even if it hurts to death
I am hiding myself under a mask for you

It’s alright if you leave me
I want you t be happy
Oh I’m
I’m a beautiful
I’m a beautiful liar

You keep shedding tears in front of me
It was an unexpected line that led to the next chapter
You told me to take back the words I spit out
As you hold onto my face
Then you collapsed off your feet
This isn’t the future I thought of
It seemed like a sin to look at you like a lonely tied up dog
So I’m swallowing up my feelings and letting you go
You must live better than me, promise me
But the moment I said that, you turned around

I won’t hang onto you, I will smile
This is me, don’t hesitate anymore
Leave me

It’s time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful

It’s time for me to give you
The last bits of my heart
The fact that we loved is beautiful

Me with iron shackles on my legs
Is more like me than ever before
(You turned around, ran to me
Told me not to say stupid lies
As you smiled in front of me)

It’s a beautiful pain
Letting you go
I have to kill myself inside
Swallow my tears
And put on a smiling mask

I feel so relieved now
Please don’t worry about me
Oh I’m
I’m a beautiful
No, a cowardly liar

"goodbye.."
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
kinda stupid.. we do love each other so much, but.. we chose to broke up.

Help me to forget you, Pabekkie.

secretum meum. (1)

hi. I'm the writer of this blog, and you can call me Ignotum. 
well, like the name of this blog and this post tho, this is Secretum meum which means the secret of mine. I do have a lot of secrets that nobody knows it, why am I telling you this? just because, heheh.

let me tell you this, I have a lover, and he said that he doesn't have any secret, he just told me everything. when I tell you EVERYTHING, that's mean, well, yeah everything.

that's good actually, but I didn't tell him if I had one (or many). once, he asked me what my ex and I did when we were together, I mean, that's privacy, right? I didn't want to discussed about it, but then he got really pissed. he told me that he's okay, and he just knew that I had some privacy that I didn't wanted him to know. but I knew he didn't "okay" his voice was sound really pissed and I felt guilty that time. and finally, I told him what my ex and I did when we were together.

and he always said that he's happy and comfortable with me, because he doesn't have any secret that he would hide from me. and I feel really guilty...... I mean, I have a lot of thought and secrets that he doesn't know at all.

I do love him so much, but I think I need privacy.